Journal 29 - Self

Well, this is going to be a hard journal. My transcendentalist self is deep within me and will be hard to locate and describe. My real self, according to Anna Sakach is "a stunningly intellect" (insert a British accent). My personality and self perception is harder to determine as it is more of a private thing. I am a different person when I am alone and do not have peer pressure and stereotypes to act under. Everyone assumes in a "real me" way that I am a smart, nerdy, person. I am, but not to the extent that others think. I am way more nerdier at home by myself. When I meet new people, I try to restrain myself to meet the criteria of accepted behavior in society today. People frown upon the ability to speak the equivalent of Spanish 1 in Klingon and to be able to quote line for line, 10 out of the 11 Star Trek movies. Especially because I am a girl. And not in my 40s or 50s, as a typical and stereotypical Trekkie is. I feel like I am introverted in a way when I am in public. There is a little fear in me about not meeting people's expectations. That is hard and stressful for me a lot of the time because people, especially my peers, assume that I am getting good grades and ranked first in our class, and will go to college and accomplish great things. I think that the pressure to succeed has actually made me a better person, stomach ulcers aside. Because I try to meet the expectations, and normally succeed, my work ethic increased and the desire to be first grew. Self- confidence came as a byproduct of the peer pressure and social stereotypes. My spiritual self is a different story. I do not know where I am spiritually, which means I need to do some soul searching. Because I do not have a specific religion (who knows maybe down the road I will be a devoted follower to Hestia), there is more for me to discover.